Have you ever wondered why you are still Fat? Why you still look at your self in the mirror and think "I'm not beautiful" Why you NEVER agree with people when they tell you, you look "amazing" or "Hot" or "stunning". Why you look at them like they are all crazy and in reality You are the one that's nutz? Well I have been dealing with those thought for a very long time. I have been so guilty in looking at myself and saying my not beautiful. I'm fat. I'm gross. I sometimes look at think I have a LONG way to go before feeling good. When I was in high school I was part of the Volleyball team. I felt amazing. I was kinda popular and in the in crowd. Boys liked me. I Liked them. I was a tease. and i would walk in the room like i was the someone. I havnt felt like that for about 6 years. Not that i want to feel conceded but Confident. I want to look at myself and feel great. Say thank you to those that think i look good. and not roll my eyes. What you are about to read i have been working on a few days. I have been thinking over and over again if i should even post this. Because its raw. its my feelings. Its my insecurities. and I fear that people might look at me like I'm crazy or talk behind my back. But the point to this blog was to be real. Real with me. to be real with you and just take steps to better myself. if i talk about the down side and talk about what I struggle with i will be able to face it and just deal.
This weight loss is much deeper then I thought. It has more struggles then just being "thin". Its not about how much I have ate but why I eat so much. Its not about being lazy But why i really don't want to go to the gym. It isn't about one cheat day but about all the times i eat because Im emotional.
about 5 days ago. I dealt with something that I had to deal with a long time ago. I finally was honest and didn't hide. It was so hard for me to call Eric and just tell him what i did and how I felt when i did it. Have any of you binged on food because you were sad. Mad. Scared. tired. Just because. Well I did. This has been such a hard sesion in my life. With family and some friends and just my own hatred towards me. I have taking most of those things personally and when i do I want to hide the pain so I go to find comfort. I had a rough day and didn't eat all day. So I pack on some food sat and watch a movie and just ate. I felt sooo gross afterwards. I hated myself even more and i wanted to throw up. I started to cry and it finally hit me "I have to stop this" Food isn't making me happy. Its making me worst. So instead of dealing with it alone, I called Eric that night at work and told him everything i ate and WHY i did it. Funny thing is that after talking to him, he and i realized that i didn't eat much. Lucky for my my stomach is shrinking... LOL BUT that fact that i was feeling sad and went to food to hide my feelings wasn't good at all. So I have to change the way I think. when i feel sad I have to talk. I have to pray ,read the word keep myself from going into bad habits. I have look at myself in the mirror and Love me for who i am today. Not what i want to be tomorrow or who I was 6 years ago.
Im here to say that I have been unable to do this alone. BUT I'm here to change. Im here to stay strong. Im here to improve not only the pounds i want to lose but the way I view my life. im very blessed and i take my life for granted. i take those that really care for granted and i cant do it anymore. In just this past week of me blogging i have receive 5 emails about girls that will now change because of the few things that i have sad. i have had people thank me for talking this step and helping them realize that they need to live a healthier life. I dont know how I feel about it yet. i might have started this blog for me but Im now doing it for others as well. I don't want to fall but if i do i want to get up that next min and continue instead of waiting 3 months to start again. Eat when hungry dont use it as a drug. It will only push you back and make you feel worst.
Here's to a healthy booty
~Cynthia
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That was a very honest and heart felt entry Cynthia. I'm really proud of you and yeah I went through similar pangs. At Van Nuys I was 135 and at my peak highest I was 175 lbs. I had no idea how that happened. I just gave up and let myself go. No one understands a weight struggle other than yourself so I totally support you. I am still working on it too.
ReplyDeleteGood job babe. Im proud of you:)
ReplyDeleteYou will make it to your goal. This is so much bigger then us, cast those burdens on God and let your heart be renewed. You are beautiful, and outer beauty means nothing..a women of character is the rarest and most beautiful thing to find, you are all that and a bag of chips! I struggle with the same thing in a different way, and I'm working on transforming myself into Gods perfect women. We will get there, I'm here for you. Don't EVER give up. Cheer to a healthier booty.
ReplyDeleteYour just a fat loser get over yourself!!
ReplyDeleteJon. I loser is someone who gives up on their goals and makes fun at other people. One who give negaivtive comments and one who blocks their profile page so no one else can see who the are. Thats a loser. But thank you so much for reading!!! :) Have a blessed life
ReplyDeleteJon ur a loser!!!! U probably sit at home and masturbates to internet porn all day..anyway Cynthia Ignore ppl like that and u keep going!!! reach ur goal and dont look back.........
ReplyDeleteJon - Why do you feel compelled to write derogatory comments like that? Do you somehow feel as if your behavior is condoned simply and obviously by the fact that YOU yourself is the ONLY loser? Your comment is NOT welcome here - and judging by the fact that you're hiding behind a FAILED profile only validates the fact that you, YOU need to get over yourself and get a life worth reading about! Who goes on someone's blog at 11:49 am on a Sunday morning to write negative comments? Don't YOU have a life? Loser!
ReplyDeleteCynthia - Pray for people like Jon, he's obviously someone who isn't loved enough in life. His negativity can't put a shadow over your bright and beautiful commitment for your goals.I'd say more with tons of cuss words but I'm respecting your blog - he (if it even is a he) is soooooooooo not worth your time! Now take that "Oh no you didn't!" attitude and show this bastard who the real loser is!
Love ya!
WOW!!! All I have to say to Jon is REALLY? Grow SOME! You have the "Courage" to post this comment but not to show your face! Cynthia you are doing great and you know it!!! Girl just remember one thing God will bless those that bless themselves and he is for sure NOT Blessing himself nor is God going to bless him with the way he is casting stones.
ReplyDeleteJON- (if that is even your real name)
ReplyDeleteIf you ever have the guts to introduce yourself to me and reveal who you really are, I assure you it not be a pleasant encounter. You will not enjoy our conversation or any part of our "discussion". Your immature childlike behavior only shows your stupidity. If you hadn't figured my now, Cynthias my beautiful wife and if you have any understanding at all about a man, you would know that he WILL defend his home and his Bride. I fear for you, if the day arises that we meet. I can only pray the Lord holds back my hand from placing judgment on you. I do speak over you all the judgement the Lord see fit to fall on you whatever it may be. May it torment your mind every waking moment of your foolish life until you beg Cynthias forgivness. May you feel the same pain you have made others feel, and may the Lord have mercy on your soul. Amen. Jon again, out of mans heart, he speaks. And a fools mouth will cause him much pain. Speak wisely.
-Cynthia, I love you and you are GORGEOUS!